So let me first say, it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog! This whole pregnancy thing has me unable to really plan or expect that I can get things done so bear with me as I attempt to post either a video or a blog weekly during this crazy time!
Today marks the 10th anniversary of my husband and I’s first date, at Starbucks. It was a Sunday because the kids had just gone to their Moms. So we met in the afternoon and talked for hours.
If you are not a stepmom or dating a guy with kids, you may be wondering what it felt like to go on a first date with a guy who had three kids. Yes it was scary. In fact my first really good conversation with him was on New Years Eve just a few weeks before. I walked away saying to myself after he called his kids to wish them Happy New Year, “Wait a minute, WHAT?! I like a guy who has kids?!!”
So if you are wondering, how did that happen?! I always laugh and say, “It’s not like I planned to marry a guy with three kids when I was a kid!” No, I didn’t. It’s not an easy thing to consider – dating a guy in this situation. But when God puts the right person in your life, you just have to roll with it, because it’s not about our plan. It’s about his. The older you get, the more you realize forcing the guys you think you should be with to date you doesn’t work. It only makes you more frustrated.
So, here we are 10 years older. I’ve got a great husband, three step kids I love dearly and one kid on the way. Who would have thunk it? Last night we were talking about how it feels more like maybe 3 years. Ironically, we had this discussion on our way home from a night at Chipotle when I had planned to make something special but wasn’t feeling good and almost ended up in the ER. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t some perfect Valentine’s Day, it mattered that whatever was going to happen, we were together.
What’s my point? Well, my point is this relationship did not happen because we forced it. It didn’t happen because I was pining over this guy forever and we were playing games on texts and he was making me feel like crap more frequently than not. None of that. I’d fallen for plenty of those guys. It didn’t happen because I decided that was the year and the moment that it was time for me to meet the man of my dreams and get married. It didn’t happen because we were expecting it to happen. It happened because we weren’t expecting it to happen, and because we believe God made it happen.
It wasn’t our love that drove us together. It was His.
We were both hesitant as all get out. I was coming to the end of my first year of sobriety and he had been divorced four years so he wasn’t thinking he’d ever get involved again. We were a little freaked out.
But that’s kinda how we knew. WE had that conversation very early on of, “Okay this is really really scary and real.”
It wasn’t because he looked like Brad Pitt or fit the ideal guy resume I’d built over the years. It was simply the posture of our hearts and God’s timing.
What I’m trying to tell you, especially for those of you still single – there is time. You can meet the man of your dreams, but he’s probably not going to fit your ideal package. He’ll be flawed just like you and me.
But if you trust God, he’ll fit the package that’s right for you.
Yes, I said – trust God.
Trust God to bring that person into your life. Trust that God is preparing you and that person for each other. You want it to be on His time if it’s right. You will know when it’s time. Don’t worry about being damaged goods. You are not. You are loved by God. But, work on what you think are your damaged goods – not with yourself, but with a professional who can help you work through that stuff so when you do meet the right person you are your best self.
Believe me, I thought for years because I was a child of divorce that I would never get married, let alone have a kid. I thought I was damaged goods. I want to tell you, that if you work through that inner stuff, you can take that thing you had nothing control over in your life and make it a positive. You can create the most beautiful marriage because you’ve seen the wreckage. You will know firsthand that God can make beautiful things out of dust.
Believe me, he did it with us. And don’t even think for a minute what we have is perfect, because it’s not. It’s just that it’s real and we come into it with broken pasts (as everyone does) and we let God do the mending and the guiding of our marriage.
So don’t put all the onus on yourself to find Mr. Right or Mrs. Right.
Let God into that space. Talk to him. Get to know Him, first.
He will steer your ship because it’s not about what you want in the end. It’s about who God wants to bring you together with to be a witness to the world of what marriage is about.
If you make it what you want, you’ll get frustrated and annoyed and you’ll beat yourself up for not doing a better job and then go into a pity party. Believe me, I’ve done it.
Just give yourself the time to get to know you, to get to know God and who he says you are – which is awesome.
And then let that person come into your life as a complement, because they won’t complete you. God completes you.
Then he grants you the gift of someone to walk beside you in life and build a life together.
It’s a beautiful thing.
And if for some reason you end up single, that is also a beautiful thing because God can do more in your life and through you than he could if you had a family or kids to attend to. God uses everyone of us right where we are.
Don’t ever believe you are less than because you aren’t married. Marriage isn’t the plan for everyone. But God does have a plan for every one.
It’s embracing what IS for you and letting God fill that space up so you never feel like you lack a single thing.
And even if you do find the one, that person won’t be able to love you as much as God does, so you might as well find out how much God loves you now before you go looking for it in a person.
God’s love never fails. Psalm 136:1-2
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Psalm 37:7 NLT